was playing the piano.. haven't touched it for damn long, dunno y, started crying playing for a while..i used to enjoy playing the piano, but now,i'm beginning to dislike it..hah. wat's wrong with me..
thinking back, think i've never been truly happy for the past few years, i've been keeping a mask on all these while, hiding my feelings form everyone, including my family.. hah
i haven't been my true self for so long, such that i doubt i'll still be able to remember how to be myself, live for myself, think of myself.. i wish that there isn't so much things to life, wish that there's only me in my own world, wish that..
ever thought wat's life like after death, guess u'll juz disappear, from the face of the world, from everyone else's memories once they start dying too, u'll juz.. disappear, as if u never existed.. such a controversy, u've lived all along juz to be forgotten in the end.. hah, random thought anyway, no need to get too worried bout it, not as if i care. heh.
i miss my childhood, juz thinking bout it recently. everything's so carefree, no worries, happy everyday, except for the occassional beatings when u get too naughty. now, ppl dun even bother, they juz leave u to be, for u to struggle on ur own. after all, u've made it so far, all on ur own, wat's abit longer of struggling? feel that i've been a nuisance at home, screaming at my brother to get off the computer.. think tat i'm juz jealous that he can juz play on and on, not worrying bout anything, even when his exams are coming, while, i can't do the same. i still have my parents to ans to, i can't juz say, i've tried my best, but i still can't do it. they'll condemn me. after all, i've always been the smartest in the family. if i can't do it, hu can? yar, i'm thinking too. but i dun wish to care at all. they've never been interested in my life, except for my studies, studie's everything to them. if not, they'll juz think that i'll be under some bad influence and turn bad, turn wild. i want to, and i will. but shouldn't they be worrying bout my bro instead? my bro whom i haven't been close too since forever, and a sis hu really hates me at home. maybe juz the sight of me irritates them, i wish i'm an only child, or maybe the power to change my life, every single part of it. i haven't cried in a long time.. truly cry, i wanna cry like a baby cries, and then, my parents will come and shower me with love. i wanna be the only attention in their life, i've veen neglected too long. i wanna cry like i've never been, and not have anyone asking me wat's wrong, i wanna cry forever, but there's someone there hu will always know y, what is it that i really want, really crave, really desire. i dunno if there's any such person, if so, pls appear sson, i truly need u now..

the only thing i wan now, is to cry forever, for 1 last time, and live happily ever after.

fairytales never happen

i can only dream

heh, today's my free day.. woke up quite late hehe, as usual. finally went to play squash with des today..he's quite a gd coach, managed to get the hang of it quite fast. really enjoyed the session, think shd get my bum off bed and exercise more often. can get toned muscles. hee.
after that had to rush to lavender to collect my passport b4 it closes. had dinner at the concourse after tat. BK again, hah, but i got to eat my beloved onion rings!! =)then, we decided to walk to city hall, though the idea was abandoned halfway when we were at bugis.. heh, i'm too scared of the long, dark winding road ahead..so timid.. haha. anyway, shopped abit at citylink, and des bought me a super nice yellow halter dress as a gift for our 7th month anniversary!! heh. so sweet of him, was pleasantly surprised =D went to the esplanade and take abit of pics.. think that the no of couples gathered at the rooftop terrace no longer make the place romantic. sort of spoils the scenic view of the surroundings. It's like every one meter, u'll see a couple cuddling there lah, how romantic can it be? hmph. yar, but tat's juz my sentiments. =)
went tcc for coffee and mango pudding!! yay! before heading back hall. talked quite abit of stuff with des, damn interesting, at least, to me lah, not sure if it is for des. yup, dunno if it still hurts for him or wat, yar. so all in all, it's a great day to relax and catch up on stuff.. really enjoyed myself!! =D =D
as for now, got to study study study.. sian sian sian.. hope exams are over soon..heh, thinking of play b4 it had even started, damn bad.. haha, but dun care.. heh

anyway, really luv u for juz u being u. happy 7th month anniversary!! muackz! =)

heh, attended comms ball yesterday, as ser hwee's date.. haha, nick was thre too, with janie. it wasn't as bad as i thought it'll be.. the theme was moulin rouge..there were performances and the videos of echo, bravo cmpany to entertain us.. the videos were like damn touching, showing shots of the tough training they endured.. quite alot of them look like they teared a little during the video, think they'll really nv forget all these memories.. was quite surprised to see ser hwee's emotional side though..=)

the food there was not too bad, quite nice actually, given the fact that i'm sick and still managed to enjoy the food =D think throughout the dinner, when i cough, ser hwee look as if he's scared that i'll faint anytime.. haha, but it's sweet of him to ask if i'm ok.. =D

took quite alot of pics, thanks to nick haha, obsessed over taking pics haha after that, nick ferried us back, first time i sit in his car woah, not bad not bad.. haha

it was quite a memorable night i shd say, as it's my first time attending this kind of function, though it'll be nicer if i attend it with des, haha, anyway, was glad that i agreed to go to the ball, was an enriching experience =D

as for now, feeling super sick, seem to have lost some of my voice, now, super sexy voice lor, haha, gonna see doc later, yucks!! hate medicine!! =(

been super duper hyper sensitive these few days

hate the way i am now

dunno what's come over me

maybe i should juz go find the ultimate torture

heh. not funny

hate.hate.hate.

the world's unfair
life sux





hmm, went to nick's commissioning parade today, ser hwee's in the same contingent, contingent 5. Though it's my first time watching, found it boring, juz like wat is being shown on national day... but maybe wat des said is rite.. maybe i shdn't think how it'll benefit me.. haha, see, i'm a selfish person. instead, shd be excited bout it, cos it's the first time i'm watching it, and most importantly, my friends are being commissioned to be officials.. it is indeed a proud and happy moment, I should feel happy for them.. =D the only thing i like, is the part where all of them threw their berets into the air, damn nice, really like 'wow, we've graduated' I can really sense their joy at tat moment. their hard work have really paid off.. congrats! nick and serhwee!!
but, seriously, i'll think twice bout going to another commissioning parade next time, unless my friends really wan me to be there.. =D





woah, today while witing for the taxi, saw nicholas and ser hwee.. so unexpected. ser hwee really changed alot, can't even recognise him now.. without a second look, but he's definitely better looking now, mayb cos he's more tan? haha. nick, as usual, was the chirpier 1, but din really tok much..heh, anyway, gonna go to the commission parade tml, hope tat it wun be too boring.. hee

*still feeling so unexpected* =D